I'm safe here.

Nobody reads this, so I'm totally okay posting about it here. I need to get this off my chest, and I don't want to really invade anyone else's life with my problem, so I figure where better than to get it into Cyberlives? I mean, really? I don't know you from Jane Doe down the road. Nor do you know me Adam from Eve. So it's okay? Ha. Listen to me. Talking to myself really. Nobody is reading my bullshit and drivel.

So often, I feel like the world is conspiring against me. Not in a "big brother" kind of way, but more of an "everyone is talking shit about me behind my back" kind of way. Which is ridiculous, because...I'm not that important, and I realize I'm not. I feel like I'm being iced out of so many circles, and I'm not sure how to handle this. It could totally be my imagination, but it could also be ... real. I hate that I am so insecure about myself. And I hate, even more, that I give a shit. If someone is my true friend, they would tell me if I were being stupid or irritating.

I truly feel as if I am a nuisance, bother, and inconvenience to so many.

I have this friend, that I have recently reconnected with. And she is such an inspiration to me, the hell she's lived through...it's made her victorious. I feel as if I've surrendered my life, the very core of my being, to being complacent with my life. It's funny. For years I struggled to stay afloat and not drown in my despair at my marriage.

And now, I'm struggling to stay afloat and not drown in my despair at the circumstances of my life now.

I often look at the Buddhist Monks and wonder "How?! How do they do it? They are so at piece with everything, and everyone. I want that!" I do. I feel my heart and soul craving and aching for ...peace.

I guess now's the time to start finding myself.