Ironic funny. Not ha ha funny.

There are some things in life that just smack you in the face and then tickle you. And you're not sure if you think it's funny, or ironic, but you know you need to laugh. Maybe not a belly laugh, but most certainly at least a give the obligatory chuckle.

One of those things is that...I'm at this huge fork in my proverbial road. I'm always .. always ill, and my mom seems to think it's because I'm currently not "walking with the Lord."

The irony of it is that, life was never that easy when I was "walking with the Lord".

I mean, if you think about it, I had 3 very rough pregnancies, my ex husband and I were constantly struggling with our finances (not as bad as he led me to believe, but I digress), I had a micro-preemie son that almost died 3 (or was it 4?) times. He was born with a myriad of problems, and is a miracle in many forms...and many would argue with me that his being alive is purely from God, but I have to ask ... is his life really a miracle? Or is it just...chance?

I mean, really. If God is so real and loving and merciful..then why did he allow that to happen to my son in the first place?

Bad things happen to good people. It rains on the just and the unjust. It's a consequence of a sinful world.

Explain to me, oh wise ones, how my son's birth is a consequence of a sinful world. What did MY SON do to deserve to be put through that hell when he was born? And what, prey tell, were my sons's sins that he needed to be punished in such a way?

Now, my mom...back to my mom. I love her. So very much. And it kills me when she sends me these messages about seeking God, and how he can make everything right in my life. Yes .. I have health issues. But really? Look back at my life. I've always had health issues. They're just more obvious now because I work retail.

It's like ... when I was at Urgent Care the other day the Dr asked me "Have you been exposed to Strep Throat recently?" My reply? "Uhhh I work retail." She grinned "So...yeah."

Yes I have financial issues, but again...I work retail. I make beans for my monetary wages.

So...I figured out the problem.

Retail. I need out of it.

Oh, and, God, if you're reading this. Can you get me a new job please?

Thanks

I'm safe here.

Nobody reads this, so I'm totally okay posting about it here. I need to get this off my chest, and I don't want to really invade anyone else's life with my problem, so I figure where better than to get it into Cyberlives? I mean, really? I don't know you from Jane Doe down the road. Nor do you know me Adam from Eve. So it's okay? Ha. Listen to me. Talking to myself really. Nobody is reading my bullshit and drivel.

So often, I feel like the world is conspiring against me. Not in a "big brother" kind of way, but more of an "everyone is talking shit about me behind my back" kind of way. Which is ridiculous, because...I'm not that important, and I realize I'm not. I feel like I'm being iced out of so many circles, and I'm not sure how to handle this. It could totally be my imagination, but it could also be ... real. I hate that I am so insecure about myself. And I hate, even more, that I give a shit. If someone is my true friend, they would tell me if I were being stupid or irritating.

I truly feel as if I am a nuisance, bother, and inconvenience to so many.

I have this friend, that I have recently reconnected with. And she is such an inspiration to me, the hell she's lived through...it's made her victorious. I feel as if I've surrendered my life, the very core of my being, to being complacent with my life. It's funny. For years I struggled to stay afloat and not drown in my despair at my marriage.

And now, I'm struggling to stay afloat and not drown in my despair at the circumstances of my life now.

I often look at the Buddhist Monks and wonder "How?! How do they do it? They are so at piece with everything, and everyone. I want that!" I do. I feel my heart and soul craving and aching for ...peace.

I guess now's the time to start finding myself.

This is a test.